Monthly Archives: August 2016

How to Tell When Your Partner Has a Problem

You and your partner have always enjoyed going out and having a good time. You even have a favorite neighborhood pub that you regularly hang out in with friends. Lately, though, it seems like your partner has changed their mind about what constitutes “a good time.” It’s not just a few beers and a couple of games of pool anymore. And, while you used to share designated driver duties equally, you can’t remember the last time you weren’t the one to drive the two of you home.

Your partner promises you that there isn’t a problem, that they are fine, they’re just having a difficult time at work or they aren’t getting along well with their family. They’ve been having trouble sleeping. There always seems to be a perfectly legitimate reason for needing a drink but still, something seems off. Does your partner have a problem? Or are you inventing drama where none exists? Here are some of the clues to look for when trying to figure out whether or not your partner needs help.

Not All Warning Signs Are the Same

There are some signals for addiction that are universal. We’ll get to those in a minute. Before we do, though, it is important to understand that not all addictions present in the same way. For example, Valium addiction is usually signaled by lethargy and drowsiness or fatigue that can’t be explained (1). Alcohol, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to have any signs of addiction that are specific to it, so it’s easy to mistake alcoholism for something else, especially in the beginning.

Some Warning Signs Are the Same

There are some signs of addiction that are universal and should be taken as the red flags that they are. Here are a few of them:

~ Losing Track: it is incredibly common for people who are addicted to lose track of themselves, of time, of their consumption when they are using. As much as they may intend to drop into the bar for a single beer, somehow they end up staying there for hours and drinking way more than one beer. When you ask them, however, they’ll insist that they weren’t there very long and/or that they only had a couple of drinks.

~ Hiding: There often comes a time in the addiction cycle–usually about the time when the addict realizes that you are likely on to him/her–that they try to hide their consumption from you (2). Smokers, for example, are famous for tucking packs of cigarettes into bags, boxes, etc. Alcoholics will also do this with bottles of hard alcohol. If you’re straightening up and stumble across an illicit substance, this is a sure sign that someone has a problem.

~ Behavioral Changes: A lot of the time these changes will manifest as some form of aggression. The person with the addiction will often get presumptively angry and defensive about their wanting to use (3). It can often feel like you’ve been dumped into the middle of a fight you don’t remember starting. These changes can also go in the extreme other direction. Someone who is normally energetic becoming lethargic and driftless is a warning sign (and not just for addiction).

~ No Breaks:  It used to be that you could meander down to your favorite pub every once in a while. Now it seems like your partner is going every single night. And on those nights when your partner (grudgingly and angrily) stays home, they still drink. And they drink a lot. It is clear that what had been something easily picked up and put down is now a need and constant consumption is a bad sign.

Confronting Your Partner

This will never be an easy process. Many addicts, when first confronted about their addictions–however gently you try to do this–react very badly. Still, it is something that you need to do. You might ask some close friends and family members who have also noticed the problem to help you. You might even try to hire a professional interventionist.

Finally, know that this person has to decide for him or herself to get help and to address their disease (4). You cannot force it. Well, you can force them into a treatment program–that is possible. You cannot force them, however, to stay sober. And if they won’t? Well, you have to decide whether or not that is something you can continue to live with. But that is a post for another time.

Sources

  1. http://www.greenhousetreatment.com/texas-treatment/
  2. http://www.blogher.com/how-choosing-be-non-drinker-has-changed-my-life
  3. http://blogs.psychcentral.com/addiction-recovery/2014/03/7-honest-reasons-why-addicts-lie/
  4. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/oct/28/mariella-frostrup-help-alcoholic-mother

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Dear Husband, I love you…but I would love you much more if you would stop touching me

 

 

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I love my dear husband.  I am one of those rare creatures that loved him from the minute I saw him across the room at a frat party at the ripe old age of nineteen.  Even though I was hot and heavy with someone else, we locked eyes, danced on couches to J-Lo and Ja-Rule’s, “I’m Real,” and by the end of that jam I was his for eva’!

Truly I hit the jackpot with Sam. Sure, we hit our rough patches in those early years… I mean we were teenagers for crying out loud…but he has developed into an amazing professional in health care and an even more incredible dad to my girls.  They are so incredibly lucky that they have him as their first male role model.  They are able to grow up watching him be successful, loving and fun.  I could not have dreamed up a better daddy for my four little princesses.

That being said, daddy is a total horn-dog.

 

Read the rest at www.suburbanmisfitmom.com/dear-husband-i-love-you-but-i-would-love-you-more-if-you-would-just-not-touch-me/

http://www.suburbanmisfitmom.com

Come on…you know you want to 😉

Kristin McCarthy

contributing writer at Suburban Misfit Mom

www.fourprincessesandthecheese.com

twitter @tinmccarthy

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When it's time to let him go and get a divorce

When we marry we expect it to be for the rest of our lives, but the reality is few couples make it happily ever after. For most of us, unhappiness settles in and makes us question what comes next. Unfortunately, many women simply resign in front of these problems and carry on living, despite they are unhappy. Men, on the other hand, are more quick to action and get a divorce as soon as they see a sign that things are not working anymore. Many women are scared of divorce, which still carries a stigma. Depending on the situation and where you live, a divorce can take from one month to several months to complete, so you need to pick up the signs a divorce is coming as soon as possible, in order to either try to avoid it or start the procedures, because life is short and you deserve to be happy.

Here are the most common indicators your relationship is speeding towards a premature end.

 

No more agreements

One of the first sings that you are going towards a divorce is the inability to agree on something. Yes, most couples have small fights on daily basis, because they can’t agree who is going to do the dishes and who is walking the dog, but when a divorce is coming, you will notice a change in the tone and frequency of these fights. You can try to avoid the inevitable by seeking help from a therapist, who is going to see the details you are both missing.

 

One of the partners is always compromising

It’s normal to compromise in a marriage, but when you are the only one who compromises in your relationship, something is wrong. Each person has his/her own needs and when these needs are not met anymore, you are going to feel left outside. This is only going to promote more fights and misunderstandings. From the moment you and your partner have different desires and can’t establish a common ground, so each of you can meet them, you need to start the divorce procedures.

 

Your partner thinks you are inferior

In a couple, equality between partners is very important, so lack of it is one of the serious signs you are approaching a divorce. John Gottman, psychologist at the University Of Washington, thinks partners have to be equal in order to make the marriage work, otherwise, their marriage will never work. In many relationships one of the partners starts to consider himself superior in front of the other one, thanks to a higher academic level or financial revenue. If this happens, your marriage is in danger.

 

Lack of interest in your partners sexual desire and emotions

The popular belief is that married couples don’t have sex, but the reality is lack of sex actually jeopardizes your relationship. Couples should have sex, as this is a way to nurture intimacy and boost communication. Sexual relationships are also a way to show your partner you value him or her.

Another red flag is the lack of interest for your partner’s emotions, which often goes hand in hand with lack of intimacy.

 

Sarcasm in a marriage can lead to divorce

Sarcasm might be enjoyable in Grey’s Anatomy, but in a real-life marriage is the last thing you want to experience. From a sarcastic personality to a rude personality there is a limit and when it comes to couples, the limit is divorce. When your spouse starts making rude remarks and takes the sarcasm to another level, it’s time to say goodbye!

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5 things you should not say to your wife after a long day.

Elizabeth Doren

www.elizabethdoren.com

Especially after a long day. You worked all day. You pick up two tired kids at daycare and then of one of the next 5 things are said…lets just say mommy dearest gets irrationally angry.

1. What can I do to help?

Answer nothing. You shouldn’t ask you should just do it. There is nothing more infuriating then walking in with two cranky kids and asking what should I do? Uh duh. Take a kid and open the bottle of wine.

2. I was just going to (insert whatever super important thing you consider to be top priority here).

Listen. Don’t say I was about to. Apologize to the crazy woman with messy hair in front of you and then do it.

3. How was your day?

When I’m clearly tired and enraged – why ask about my day? Again open the bottle of wine and hand me a glass. Also take one of the crying babies. This is a man-to-man defense not a zone.

4. Dont’t forget (insert something that is actually important and you did forget but at the time you don’t want to hear it).

I mean I forget things like all the time. I just don’t want to hear it when I’m trying to get some semblance of a meal on the table.

5. Anything other than this dinner that is overcooked is the best thing I’ve ever eaten and you look beautiful. I know spouses don’t read minds. But I think those two phrases are the only two that should be uttered on a weeknight.

I still don’t have my glass of wine. And I should probably tell him that the defrosting on the chicken he did was the best and he looks handsome.

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Is It Easier To Be Fat And Proud When You're In A Relationship?

It’s more common for fat-positive writers and activists — particularly women — to be coupled. There’s Lindy West and Ahamefule J. Oluo. Kate Harding and Al Iverson. Lesley Kinzel and Dennis Scimeca.

In fact, it was Kate Harding’s blog post “On Dumb Luck” which sparked my observation:

I’ve noticed that a lot of the people I see writing confidently and persuasively about body acceptance are married or in solid long-term relationships… my god, it is hard to develop that confidence when you’re single and not happy about it, and the whole world is telling you the way to fix that is to make yourself prettier — and, of course, that a crucial component of becoming prettier is becoming as thin as you can possibly be, by any means necessary.

Of course, Harding wrote this back in 2007. I wanted for things to be different ten years later. I decided to talk to other fat activists — coupled and single — to see what they thought.

Nomy Lamm is a longtime fat activist who wrote the zine I’m So Fucking Beautiful in 1991 — and she continues to speak out on issues of body acceptance, disability and feminism. She told me,

In my experience, doing the work of body acceptance, self-love and fat liberation was a prerequisite to me being able to be open to looking for and finding partners who I feel seen and respected by.

In fact, almost everyone I’ve ever dated has known who I was from my art and activism before we hooked up. It’s a good filter — in the situations where that hasn’t been the case, it’s been harder for me to trust or open up because there can be a painful learning curve.

Having a partner does offer a certain amount of comfort and validation, but doing the intense external work around body acceptance has been less pressing for me in that context.

Sonya Renee Taylor has been writing about bodies since 2003. Her work explores personal narrative as access to universal themes of humanity and how personal narrative intersects with political, structural and systemic oppression. She’s also founder and CEO of The Body is Not an Apology, which fosters radical, unapologetic self-love. She says,

As a queer woman, I found community in my relationships with other women who were fat. We were able to affirm each other and our bodies.

I had a reflection of a body I found beautiful that was in many ways similar to my own body. It reminded me that I could see my body in the way I saw my partners.

With cis male partners, the good ones were loving and found me holistically desirable; the crappy ones fetishized me.

I asked Taylor if it was less taxing to be privately supported by a partner. She replied,

I don’t think this is specific to fat activism. Having a place of refuge while tackling hate and oppression in the world is valuable. Being reminded by someone that you are loved and desired in a world that is constantly telling you “You are not, really,” allows for a place of healing. When the world barrages you with hate, it is healing to have a reminder that you are loved.

The drawbacks of being partnered is often that your partner will find themselves in the line of fire. Many hate trolls will dox (find your personal and work information and post it publicly online) your partner to attack you.

Being single is simply hard because after a day of fighting violence and oppression, it is nice to have a warm kind body to rest beside.

Leah Berkenwald’s blog post “My Breakup With Exercise” was highlighted on WordPress’ “Freshly Pressed.” Berkenwald is a college health professional promoting body positivity and the Health at Every Size philosophy as a vehicle for holistic mind-body-spirit wellness.

When asked if there are any drawbacks to being a single fat activist, she said, “I worry that being a single fat activist gives me less credibility; that people out there believe I am single because I am fat, and are afraid that accepting their own bodies will prevent them from finding love.” She added:

My body positivity journey has led to greatly improved mental and emotional health, but [for others] that barely registers in comparison with our society’s ultimate proof-of-a-woman’s-value: a man’s love.

After all, our culture seems to support the idea that the “white dress holy grail” might be worth a little disordered eating and body hatred.

My perspective is very heterocentric and I can’t really speak to how these dynamics manifest for LGBTQ fat activists. But in my experience, body image is so tied in with dating and attraction that people often need reassurance that embracing body positivity won’t make them undatable before they’re even willing to explore the idea.

Ragen Chastain started danceswithfat.org in 2009; her work is a discussion of the concepts of Size Acceptance and Health at Every Size, looking at everything from pop culture to research from an intersectional perspective. She says,

It’s possible for someone to want to date me — and to love me and my fat body — but not to support understand the choice to be an activist, and that’s really difficult.

My partner is a fat activist herself and that is incredible because she understands where I’m coming from and why it’s important to me, and she is phenomenally supportive of my work. As a bonus we can also do projects together.

But it’s not always easy to bear witness to the personal attacks directed at her partner as a result of writing at Dances With Fat.

It’s not my partner’s fault at all, but I have a lot of active Internet trolls (there are several online forums and websites with thousands of followers devoted to hating me specifically).

I’m used to it and I can deal with it, but when they go after my partner — even though she can totally handle it and never complains — it’s still hard for me to think that my activism is bringing that kind of hate and cruelty into her life as well.

It’s difficult to write about the body, particularly if you’re a woman or non-binary writer who takes up space in a fat body — and yes, having the support of a partner who desires and accepts you as-is goes a long way. But maybe the path to finding those partners has to begin with desiring and accepting ourselves.

Maybe we have to write and struggle, go on bad dates, fuck and run, fight the trolls, laugh with our friends.

Maybe then, we get to find all kinds of love.


This story by Allison McCarthy originally appeared on Ravishly, a feminist news+culture website.

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Do Soul-mates exist?

As  a married woman who will be celebrating her 25th wedding anniversary next year, I often wonder if soul-mates truly exist. Don’t get me wrong I do love and care for my husband.

We met in jr. high, started dating when we were 15, and have been together ever since. Yet, I’ve never really felt as he is my soul-mate, and he’s stated the same about me. Together we have have raised 5 kids, have 3 grand-babies, have been through it all. Betrayal, death, sickness, vacations, graduations, engagements, births, and dogs haha. Those who know us well, the circle is small, often ask us why we stay together.  It’s not the “she’s/he’s the only person I could ever love. It’s a comfortable  we have a good life, let’s not mess it up. 

I met a woman some years ago. We hit it off great. The text messages, calls, hanging out. We just clicked. We have similar backgrounds, enjoy some of the same things, and never run out of things to discuss. She told me I was her soul-mate.  She would be lost without me. I actually feel the same way about her. Is that possible?  Can someone I will never have a future with, be my ultimate soul-mate? 

 

Mari 🙂 

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The Therapeutic Hug

The common wisdom is that a person needs four hugs a day for survival, eight for maintenance, and twelve for growth. I doubt that this is confirmed by any scientific studies and I doubt that it is true. If it were, there would be millions of people on Earth who would not survive.

I would be one of them. Despite being married to one of the two truly world-class huggers I’ve met in my life, I do not get my four-a-day. And certainly not twelve. Assuming eight hours a day for sleep and eight hours a day for work, that would leave eight hours to work in twelve hugs. That’s one and a half hugs per hour, and I suspect half a hug just won’t do.

In fact, I know it won’t. Scientific research has been done on the 20-second hug. It releases oxytocin, a pleasure and bonding chemical in the brain. Half a hug would need to be 40 seconds long to do the proper amount of good, and young lovers and newlyweds tend to be the only people who give hugs of that duration.

Then there’s the question of what constitutes a hug. For greatest oxytocin effect, I would recommend the full body hug – toe to toe, torso to torso, heads on shoulders, arms tightly squeezing. But you probably can’t give that particular hug when you run into an acquaintance in the supermarket, especially not 20 seconds worth, without blocking the aisles.

Other variations of hugs that may be less effective are the side-by-side one-shoulder squeeze (and the multi-person variant, the Big Group Hug), the manly back-thumping, and the A-frame hug (standing a distance apart and leaning in for a hug from the shoulders up). Then there are the virtual hug, usually written ((hug)), with the number of parens indicating the length/intensity of the hug, and the proxy hug, in which you delegate a person to pass along a hug when you’re not able to be there. None of these seem really conducive to the 20-second, made-for-thriving hug.

But, on some level, we know that hugs are therapeutic. Oxytocin or whatever, they make us feel better. Lots of hugging goes on at support and 12-step groups, and people who go to those daily might indeed make their recommended quota.

I go to private psychotherapy, however. I’ve never hugged my therapist, and am not even sure whether it’s appropriate for therapist and client to hug. It would be awkward to ask, “Can I have a hug?” only to hear, “No. That’s unethical.” But I suppose it depends on the therapist and the client and how each feels about the subject. I know sex is unethical, but hugs may be a gray area. Perhaps someone can enlighten me.

Of course, there are people who do not like to – or are afraid to – touch other people. Think Sheldon Cooper on The Big Bang Theory. People who are aware of and skilled in responding to others’ body language may be able to see the little (or, let’s face it, large) cringe when one person sees another moving forward with open arms. If the non-hugger is quick enough, he or she can quickly stick out a hand for a hearty handshake, or the potential hugger will abort the hug and retreat to a friendly tap on the shoulder.

But there are people who will swoop in and envelop you in an unwanted embrace and maybe even air kisses with smacking noises. I suspect these would be more likely to shut down oxytocin entirely, and possibly release adrenaline instead in a fight-or-flight response.

As with sex, the safest route is to ask for consent – “Can I have a hug?” – and take no – “I’d rather not” – for an answer, without taking offense or pressuring – “Aw, c’mon” – and making things even more awkward.

Still, the best advice I can give is to be proactive about hugging. Say, “I need a hug” when you do. Ask “Do you need/want a hug?” when a person you know seems to be in distress.

Avoid hugging strangers, though. That hardly ever helps. At least wait until you’ve been properly introduced.

 

Janet Coburn is a freelance writer, editor, and blogger at bipolarjan.wordpress.com and janetcobur.wordpress.com.

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How To Rebuild Trust In Your Relationship

Trust takes forever to build and only a second to destroy… ~Meiqua Yushundra~

Trust by definition means the firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. If you’re in a relationship, you know that trust is one of the main factors that helps to keep your relationship strong, but what if you lose trust in your mate? Is it gone forever? Is it possible to rebuild? I say yes, but it’s truly going to take some time.

Placing your trust and confidence in a person takes a lot, especially if you’ve been hurt in a previous relationship. Although many of us deny it, we do carry baggage from one relationship to the next. It’s only natural to have a little doubt here and there but you have to go into new relationships with 100% trust no matter what happened in your previous relationship because if not, it can be very damaging to your current relationship.

If your mate/significant other breaks your trust, how do you get back to a place where you can trust them again is determined by the person who broke the trust in the relationship. Are they willing to do what it takes to regain your trust? Are they willing to reassure you that whatever it was that caused you to lose trust in them won’t happen again? Then this is how you start the process of rebuilding AFTER you consider these factors: is this relationship worth saving? Can you see yourself without this person? Is this person even worth the risk of getting hurt again?

If you’ve answered yes to all those questions, then it is very possible to rebuild trust in your relationship, just know that it is going to take some time and definitely going to take some patience. Here’s how you start to rebuild the trust:

Starting over fresh: Start over with a clean slate. What ever happened in the past leave it there and get back to the reason why you were attracted to and fell in love with your mate in the first place.

Leave the past in the past: If you’re going to move forward in your relationship and work on rebuilding trust, you have to leave the past in the past. Don’t keep bringing up the situation that caused you to lose trust in your mate because not only will it cause more issues and arguments, it will only continue to keep power over you and reopen wounds you’re trying to close.

Communicate more often: Here’s time for some much needed pillow talk. Talk to your mate and find out what’s going on in their heads to get to the root of what caused the trust to be damaged. Find out some things that were lacking in your relationship that may have caused your mate to stray and feel like someone else is a better fit in their life than you or what made the grass look so much greener on the other side.

Date and spend quality time with each other: Often times when we get in relationships, we’re too busy working, with the kids and trying to make sure we are taking care of the house, bills, etc., that we forget to spend quality time with each other. Date each other at least once a week and do things without the kids or worries of the house, bills, etc. Take some quiet time to even go for a walk in the park, have an intimate dinner or even fun things that will cause you to be like a kid again like paintball shooting, skating, etc. Just have fun.

Seek counseling: In the black community, counseling is something that is frowned upon, but is often needed. Seeking help from a professional, unbiased person to help really pull out of you and your mate the root of your issues. It will allow you to speak freely about your issues with your mate/relationship and force them to listen without creating an argument or having one of you walk out in an angry rage and not hear what the other one has to say.

Trust is very important in any relationship and at times it’s often compromised, but that doesn’t mean it has to end your relationship. When you truly find someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with, you will do whatever it takes to keep them around. There are too many relationships that end because people either don’t want to do the the work or thinking the grass is greener on the other side and end up losing one of the best loves of their lives because of it.

You have to be willing to treat your relationship like a beautiful flower and nourish it so that it can stay alive and continue to grow. Don’t be afraid to go the extra mile and to great lengths to save your relationship. It’s not about being a sucker for love, it’s about keeping the person you love close to you and in your life. The worst thing is seeing them happy with someone else that isn’t you.

Has trust been broken in your relationship? What have you done to rebuild the trust? We’d love to hear from you. Drop your comments below.

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Things that make me swipe left

I stumbled upon a draft of this post that I had previously written almost a year ago. I never finished or published it because I had soon gotten into a relationship with my Tinder sweetheart and no longer had the heart to pick on people from the pool of singles I had happily left behind. Now, finding myself single once again, I realize it’s only a matter of time before I re-enter the (not-so)wonderful world of dating. I’m in no rush to get back out there (I have way too much ME to focus on right now), so in the meantime, let me sharpen my claws and test them out on one of my all-time favorite pastimes: berating douchebags.

 

Now, men have this awful reputation as being judgmental, woman-objectifying pigs. And while this may be true for some men, us women aren’t getting the credit we deserve for our verbal slander of the opposite sex. Over time, I’ve learned that locker-room talk for men sounds something like, “Did you hit that?” “Yep.” “Did she have nice boobs?” “Yep.” While, for women, it sounds like, “What is the exact size, shape, and color? How awful was he? What noises did he make? Did he cry afterward?” Honestly, I’m being VERY mild in my representation of a typical conversation among girlfriends. If I told you what woman REALLY say, you’d be in the fetal position for the next several hours, contemplating if you should ever leave the house again.

 

But I’m not here to discourage. I’m here to give some helpful tips to improve your online persona. Actually, that is not true. For one, douchebags have no idea they are douchebags, and aren’t likely to seek reformation. For another, my audience is primarily female. So let me just admit this post is mainly written for women as a way to commiserate over the shared horrors of online dating. Simple enough. Now, let’s get started!

 

 

Things that make me swipe left

{A user’s guide to online dating for douchebags.}

 

 

{BIO}

This is where you get to showcase a piece of your personality and and charisma that can’t quite be conveyed through photos alone. A witty and interesting bio can really encourage a right swipe over a shitty bio or no bio at all. Don’t blow it, buddy. Here’s what NOT to do:


-First of all, don’t even bother claiming you are “not here for hookups.” Who are you trying to fool? SHOW me you aren’t here for hookups by not being a creep. If you TELL me you aren’t here for hookups, I feel like you’re desperately trying to prove something.

 

-But don’t mention you are interested in casual sex, either (unless that’s honestly ALL you’re looking for). Even if it gives you the option to select that as one of your answers in your bio, JUST DON’T DO IT! It’s your business if casual sex and hook-ups are your thing. But if you advertise that in your bio, I will immediately get the creeper vibe from you and assume that’s ALL you are into.

 

-Don’t lie about your age. If you are 45, but you say you’re 35, I will be able to tell. Either that, or I will ponder how awful you will look by the time you ARE 45.

 

-If you suck at spelling and grammar, please have someone spell check your shit. Trust me. If you really want to DIY that shit, keep the above image handy.

 

 

{PHOTOS}

No, it isn’t all about looks, but you should absolutely put your best face forward. Physical attraction is integral to initiating dating, so you should have some good photos to share. Unfortunately, not all guys know the difference between a good photo and a douchey one. Here’s how to tell the difference:

 

(Image from here)

-Do not post a picture where I can almost see your wiener. If you want to show off your abs, fine. But try to do so in a way that isn’t obviously trying to sell me your package as well. Mirror selfies that crop just an inch above your junk are way less enticing than you think. We get it, you have nice abs. But post at least a couple pics where you are wearing a damn shirt, or we will think your body is all you have to offer. If we wanted a brain-dead hot-body boy to play with, we’d call up what’s-his-face.

 

-Why are you lifting weights in ALL your pictures?! That’s great you’re into fitness, but please, at least try to pretend you’re into SOMETHING else as well.

 

-And why are all your pictures of you frolicking in the outdoors? Again, that’s awesome that you have an active outdoor lifestyle, but those kinds of pictures only show so much. How am I going to know if I want to swipe right if all I can see is your vague silhouette while rock-climbing or your back while hiking? At least give me ONE shot of you having a real-live face and personality outside of what you DO.

 

-Make sure you have SOME relevant photos from the current year! Preferably, from the past 3-6 months. Seriously, what is with dudes thinking it’s ok to showcase photos over the past six years? I don’t care what you looked like when you graduated college. I don’t care what you looked like when you had long hair. I don’t care what you looked like in full costume seven Halloweens ago. What do you look like NOW? Take a lesson from the experts; women obsessively post photos only from the past six weeks!

 

(Image from here)

-Good lord, please do not post any photos with your ex OR with your ex obviously cropped out. I’d go ahead and make sure you don’t post any photos wearing your wedding ring, either. This makes me think your last relationship was way too recent, and no one wants to deal that kind of baggage right now.

 

-Also, check how many photos you are posting surrounded by hot chicks. You know the ones I mean; the ones that scream “I’m desperately trying to prove that chicks dig me! They do, I swear! Just look at all the the pics I have with them!” Hooters girls, KISW Rock Girls, and random barmaids do not count as you having some kind of Casanova magnetism. It means you tip. Not even well.

 

-And the picture of your car? I don’t give a shit about your car, especially if you are not in it. It could be your neighbors car for all I care. Oh, and is that your house? That’s cool you have a house but I’d rather you didn’t waste valuable space when I could have had another opportunity to judge your face and body. Here’s the thing; you get ONE, I repeat ONE photo allowed to showcase your “cool stuff” if you absolutely feel the need. But any more than that and you’ll be getting a whole lot of LEFT.

 

(photo from here)

-Now, on to the dog. It’s no secret that single men love dogs. Particularly Labradors. And I LOVE dogs. It will certainly warm my heart AND encourage me to swipe right if you show a pic of your adorable pooch. BUT, like above, try to make sure you are in the picture also. If, for some reason, you and your Alaskan Malamute can’t safely fit together in one photo, then just leave it at one dog photo maximum. If your entire profile is filled with pictures of your dog alone, I’ll be really disappointed when I show up at our date and find you’re human.

 

(image from here)

-Maybe this is just me, but why are you so classically handsome? Are you real? I suspect you are a robot. Better swipe left just to be safe.

 

-If you’re white in one pic, and black in the next, it’s REALLY confusing. Unless your bio talks about your amazing Michael Jackson-style transformation, there’s no reason this should be happening. If you’re going to make a fake profile, at least steal the SAME dude’s photos. It’s just easier that way.

 

(photo from here)

-It’s ok to have four chins, but at least look happy about it. No one wants an upshot of your chins beneath a grumpy ass frown. Think about it, who’s hotter; Jabba the Hutt of Buddha? No contest. Fat ‘n happy wins every time.

 

(image from here)

-Why on God’s green earth do you look so sensual in your selfies? Girls are masters at taking selfies where they look “casually sensual” but men just cannot pull this off. It’s super creepy to see a guy try to take a picture where he lustfully looks at the camera with lightly parted lips and partially-lidded eyes. Ugh, just describing it makes me nauseous. Please, just smile and look genuine. Save the O face for someone who wants to see it.

 

-Use math when sorting through the photos you want to post. It’s a well-known statistic (that I made up) that everyone is about 10% more attractive in real life than their ugliest picture, and 25% less attractive than their hottest picture. So, with that in mind, post a couple photos where you are at your absolute best, like the ones your buddy/amateur photographer took of you at your best friend’s wedding this summer. Then, get real and post some of you just looking casually “you.” That way, you entice ’em with your best, but also give an example of the average you, so you don’t disappoint when you show up to our date under bad lighting without a sepia-toned filter.

 

 

{OPENING LINE}

Holy shit. You made it! You got a right swipe! You really want to get the conversation going, but how do you do it? I’ll tell you how NOT to do it:

(image from here)

-“Hey.” “What doing.” “What’s up?” or anything along those lines. Just don’t. Show me you know how to put more than two words together in a sentence.

 

-“Hey beautiful/sexy/babe/bae/sweetheart” or any similar term of endearment. Here’s the thing; at this point you don’t know me at all. There’s still a chance I could be a.) a sexbot or b.) a 700 lb man with a doll head collection and eight cats. You have no idea if I really am beautiful or sweet, so saying that now makes me think you aren’t genuine. I know you think you are being suave or charming, but you’re really just being a douchebag. Women want pet names and heart emojis to mean something, dammit! Save that shit for after you’ve confirmed I do not have a penis.

 

-“Tells entire life story in first message.” Do not do this! How many red flags are you trying to raise here? It’s intrusive to bombard someone with every fact about you before even being asked. Wait until someone WANTS to know!

 

(image from here)

-“Sends generic, mass-produced message.” It’s pretty easy to catch on when a dude is simply copy/pasting a generic message to everyone who he was lucky enough to get a right swipe from, and it does not make me want to respond.

 

***Here’s a tip: keep it short and sweet, but not too sweet. Show you are interested without being creepy. Bring up something you both seem to have in common. Say something nice about her that isn’t about her looks or boobs, like she seems really creative or you like the movie she mentioned was her favorite. Be funny, if you have a quick wit. Be genuine. Don’t be a douchebag.

 

Now you’re ready to face the world of online dating, armed with fear, insecurity and trepidation. However, in closing I would like to say that I don’t 100% believe anything I just said. These are just my personal, humorous observations about online dating. I get a kick out of tearing a new asshole in the male race, but all-in-all I wish you the best and can only encourage you to be yourself. Own who you are with all four of your chins, poor lighting, shitty bio, and pictures of your who-gives-a-shit car. The right girl will like you for who you are, stupid abs included. The right girl will be turned on by your sensual mirror selfies. The right girl will fall in love with your sense of outdoor adventure and the striking similarities you share with your dog (oh, THAT’S why I thought the pics were all of your dog!)

 

Don’t worry about what I think; I’m not your right girl, trust me. Swipe left. I sure am.

Originally posted here

Tessonja Odette

www.PessimisticHearts.com

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Guide To Giving Gifts To Your Significant Other

The fact is that many people are difficult to purchase gifts for and a gift card just isn’t personal enough. Different people have different tastes with some just wanting a low key birthday and others want a big deal made of it. Luckily there are gifts for everyone including those who say they want nothing. There will always be that one special thing that can take on even the most negative people about their birthday. This will take time in a relationship to figure this out but the following are some great gifts for your significant other.

Some Kind of Getaway

Obviously you do not want to take your brand new significant other on a trip especially if it is international. Even those with strong relationships can falter when it comes to traveling as the stresses of travel impact people differently. For those established relationships it can be great to give a getaway to your significant other. There are plenty of locations to choose from but those in a cold climate during the winter can always take a trip down to the Caribbean to beat the cold. This getaway should be relaxing time to spend together to make sure to take a few days just to relax in between tours or other activities.  

Jewelry

There are an impressive range of personalized gifts that can be bought online as far as jewelry goes. As women we tend to have a tougher time giving gifts as many men do not wear or like to wear jewelry. The most basic thing that most men have is a nice watch for business meetings or important occasions. There are plenty of options for nice watches with active watches being quite popular day to day. Jewelry will never be a great fallback gift for many women. Jewelry should be given after a certain amount of time as it is not for a new relationship as it can make things seem too serious too quickly.

Clothing

Clothing generally isn’t the main gift for a birthday or during the holidays. These gifts are the ones that are used the most though especially if you bought your significant other quite a few outfits. For us women who have a man who doesn’t like to go shopping this is our opportunity to have an impact on their style. Something that a man always needs is a nice button down shirt for important occasions. This can be used during big meetings or even just for a nice night out. For those men who do like to shop for their clothes guy actually love gift cards as it doesn’t make them pretend to like a gift as they can pick out what they want from their favorite store.

Crossing Something Off of Their Bucket List

Some people dedicate their life to crossing things off of their bucket list. If you don’t have a bucket list it can be a blast to make one with your significant other. This could be a travel bucket list or activity bucket list or a combination of the two. A gift of something like a tandem skydiving trip can be something that you two can share for years to come. Holidays spent abroad can be a part of a bucket list so this can be the perfect gift for your anniversary. You know your partner better than anyone else so get them a gift they would love that they have always wanted. A bucket list isn’t just for the end of one’s life, it is something you can cross things off of for life!

Getting gifts doesn’t have to be something you dread as the above are great places to start. Planning a gift in advance is the best way to make sure you aren’t scrambling at the last minute. Get a gift your significant other will never forget!

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